SPEAKER_01 0:00

What's up, bro?

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey, what's going on, my friend? Nice headphones. I was gonna say, look at that. You know? I think we were talking about these. I believe so. And uh somehow I managed to uh I managed to get them and have them out here with me, so it's kind of funny. Uh it just worked out that way. Um yeah, man, like what's up?

SPEAKER_01 0:25

I was texting you as you were in to let me make sure we're recording here. Okay. I think we're good. Yeah. Um as I was texting you, you joined in the call, so I appreciate you meeting.

SPEAKER_00 0:39

This is a Yeah, no, thanks, thanks for having me. Like I made it work out. I know we had spoken a little bit about like, you know, I've I've got such like a rigid schedule these days out here. Um, but it's nice to reconnect. And uh, you know, thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

I mean, you were my first guest that this is I think episode 18 or 19. Okay. You you were the first guest. You're uh me and you both got the trim and the beard. We're looking a bit younger than maybe we were six, six months ago or eight months ago.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Yeah, it's crazy to think it's been like that long, man. You know, like what did we do? That was like back in September-ish, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:20

The summer. I think it was July.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

Really? Okay. Yeah. You don't it was so hot.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

Remember how hot it was?

SPEAKER_00 1:28

I mean, I kind of do. Um, it though it was like that sticky, humid, uh like non non-fun type of summer weather.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Well, this is like a reinvention, kind of, because uh you were my first guest, um, and you've kind of gone through a transition, right? You're you're living a different life now. So why don't you update me on um where you're at and what's been going on since we talked last.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

All right, all right. Um, yeah, definitely, you know, things have uh changed substantially for me. Um, you know, last year uh when when we first, you know, got together to record the pilot, um, I was technically homeless. Uh I was bouncing around, uh, you know, whether it was at a friend's house, like getting snuck into a basement or fucking at a garage. Um, you know, it was not a savory uh type of lifestyle to be living. Um, you know, fast forward to where I'm at now, um, I just actually uh I'm I made today's four months. Um I'm I'm living in a halfway house. I am out in South Boston, and um it's probably uh the best decision I've ever uh been a part of uh, you know, making for myself like ever in my life. Um I've also just as of this week reached uh six months uh in my journey of recovery. Um so I've never felt better to be completely honest, Rich. You know, um I'm happy for you.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

That's awesome. I love to hear that.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

Yeah, thank you. Uh you know, and it's like it took it took me a lot, and it took me a lot of loss to um to really become so you know brutally honest with myself. You know, it's like for for a long time, I I mean, I was living in denial, you know. I I didn't really think there was anything wrong um, you know, with living uh the way I was living. And I couldn't have been, you know, further from the truth. And um, you know, it it feels really good to be able to say, um, you know, I've grown such, you know, in an in in like an exponential type of way um in such a short amount of time. And um, yeah, recently I I just got this, you know, I just got a haircut, you know, shaving haircut. Um, I've got a you know, brand new job opportunity, uh, which which I actually have um solidified. Um it's and I owe it all to really like the foundation. Um I'm out at the Gavin House and it's part of the Gavin Foundation out in South Boston. And um, you know, I I came out here not knowing what to really expect. I had never been in a halfway house before. Um and uh to be honest, like, you know, if I had any sort of expectation, you know, it it's it's really just blown it out of the water. Um and and uh I mean I live in a house with 32 guys. That's a lot of dudes. It's like it kind of reminds me of like um living at college in a way, except in like a very, very much more uh condensed type of uh you know living quarters. You know, it's um the the the building itself has a really interesting history to it. And I guess um, you know, the founder, uh I believe his name was James Gavin. Uh he used to be, I think it was um, you know, a parole officer. And uh the building that that we're in, uh I believe, you know, it was originally a police station. And um, you know, he ended up taking like guys like straight out of jail and like, you know, um allowing them to live in his house. Uh you know, like so like he had like it separated into like, you know, different sections, like his wife and and his family were like, let's say maybe on the first floor, and then uh I think the second and third floor for was for like everybody else. And like so, um, this is one of the older um halfway houses actually, you know, in the country. And uh from what I hear, um, a lot of other halfway houses have been like modeled off of this place. Um, so so it's it's uh it's pretty cool. It's it's it's an honor to be here, to be completely honest. Um, and uh I just you know I'm very thankful that I have like some really good friends of mine that were like, you know, keeping my best interests uh in mind. And um, you know, instead of letting me stay out in Worcester and going to a halfway house out there, um, you know, they were like, now Chris, uh, we're gonna get you out of the city. And I just said, okay. I was like, you know, I didn't argue it. I didn't say why do you think that? I just kind of was like, if that's what you think is gonna be the best thing for me, um, I said, let's do it, you know. And uh really, I I I cannot be like the words can't describe like how grateful I am to to be in the position that I'm in today.

SPEAKER_01 6:31

Yeah, thanks for sharing. Walk me through what so like we did the podcast and you were living in Worcester. Um did you seek a transition or did how did that come about?

SPEAKER_00 6:46

All right, so um I mean ultimately, uh let's just say a lot of like failed attempts to to get it done in in a in another format or a different type of way. Um like I thought I could do it on my own, right? Like I thought I could just keep going, uh figure things out. Um, you know, and and by that I mean I I really didn't find anything um that was like uh a successful venture or or safe place to really stay. Like, you know, it it it ended up with like I'd be at some sort of fucking friend's house or somebody who who I'd call a friend. Um, you know, and like no hard feelings and shit, but like dude was an alcoholic and like he was an enabler, and like I was also an enabler. So like next thing you know, he's like calling the police, you know, not necessarily just on me, but like the whole house, and like we're getting kicked out of this dude's house. Like, and it and it happened, like not once, not twice, but like five fucking times, okay? And it got to the point where it was like this is ridiculous, and you know, I'm just thankful that like you know, nobody ever ran my name. I didn't get in any sort of type of trouble. They they basically they knew the guy, the unfortunate as it is, like the police literally knew the guy by name, and they're like, Listen, you know, I don't want to mention names here, but like they're like, Oh, hey, you know, uh, they're like, You you guys just gotta go. And like they're like, you know, he's inebriated, he's intoxicated. They're like, why don't you just you know, give him some space, you know, leave and you know, come back or like give him a call tomorrow, this or that. And um, you know, I could only keep doing that so often, you know what I mean? And it and it got to the point where it was like um right around Thanksgiving time, and like I was there with some friends, and it was like a mutual friend, and like he did the same thing, and uh, you know, we we basically all of us just got like thrown out onto the street like Thanksgiving night, and it was just like dude, none of us have any family to go, you know, like we were just basically put out right to the street and like it sucked. Um and uh it just kind of just got worse from there, you know. It's like then I started finding myself in situations where like the people I was around, they were doing things that like I didn't agree with, you know, lying, robbing people, you know, stealing shit. And I'm like, dude, I was like, I can't get caught up in this nonsense, especially where like if I was doing it, like I guess like I would uh I I wouldn't mind like paying for something that I I had done, but like I didn't want to get caught up in the wrong place at the wrong time, and then next thing you know, like you know, I'm I'm you know behind bars. Um I I've had like a very brief uh stint where where I did end up like this it wasn't recent, by the way. This is like you know, 10, 15 years ago almost. But like I had like, you know, I I had a situ shitty situation happen between my dad and I. Um he uh he basically got a restraining order against me. And that was because like his landlord was like, you know, um, basically his landlord didn't like me, had a lot, a lot of like animosity towards me. He thought I was fucking crazy. I mean, I can definitely I do my share of crazy share and like I can definitely act out. And um, so he he threatened my dad and he was like, Listen, I'm gonna kick you out if you don't go get a restraining order on your son. Um, and then long story short, like I had my video camera and some of my property went missing. I went to file a police report. Um, and they instead they show up with the restraining order and they served me in the paper, and I was just like, What the fuck? I I didn't really know what was going on. Um, and then I tried to get, you know, go back like a few minutes later to get my stuff, and then the the landlord lived next door. It was bad. He called the cops instantly, they picked me up, and I ended up going into fucking uh you know the Worcester uh police department, where where I ended up, you know, I stayed for a couple nights and uh, you know, uh I ended up going out to fucking um Paul Tenden Road, aka the uh correctional facility out there. Um so so anyways, like yeah, uh jail's not a good place. Like it's not a place for people like me, you know. Like if I I feel like it's for people who need like reform and um they need to uh you know, obviously learn a hard lesson. And um, I mean that shit scared me straight. Like, let's just say since then I've never been in trouble with the law and uh you know, thank God, you know, because this this whole thing that just happened really it could have gone any other way, you know. Like all it takes is somebody to make a phone call and like saying one thing, and and if they call first and you know your story uh doesn't hold water, you know, even if it does really, even if it's the truth, and and and like I've learned this the hard way. Like, yeah, if somebody calls the police and like files a report, like generally the police take take their side, and there's nothing you can do about it until you're actually in the courtroom and you know have a lawyer and this and that. Um, so so yeah, um back back to the actual question. Let me just say, um, yeah, like I was out on the street, it was cold, the winter was coming, right? You know, we we were starting to have like nights that were uh too cold for me to to sleep outside. And um, you know, I wasn't gonna push the limit. I wasn't gonna try to just, you know, keep doing that because not only um was it dangerous for like anybody regular, uh I, you know, uh, as you know, I have my own health issues, I'm a diabetic. And um for like the better part of last year, um, while being homeless, like diabetes was the last thing on my mind. Um, you know, I wasn't taking my blood sugar, I wasn't taking any of my prescribed medications, um, I wasn't taking my insulin. And all of that was very dangerous. And um, you know, to be completely honest, I I had gone into the hospital the last time, like when like my friend ended up calling the police and this and that, like get us all kicked out right around Thanksgiving. I was like, I was like, I don't know really what else to do, you know, and like I couldn't get into a shelter that at the time it was like too late or something. And I was like, you know, I was like, I just have to get super like honest with myself, and um, you know, I knew something was wrong um as as far as like my health was going. Um it became like hard for me to swallow. It had become uh, you know, apparent that I was starting to have like blurred vision, and um, you know, just from having diabetes uh for as long as I've had it, uh I knew those were kind of some of the signs that like the sh my sugars were like skyrocketed, right? So I went into the hospital and um you know they they checked me out. Um they said my sugar was like 598, I think it was, and like that's crazy, man. Um that's absolutely like insane. Um all of them the organs in my body uh were just working like overdrive. They were all like working so hard to just keep me going. Um, in fact, like they they admitted me that night, and then um I don't really remember a lot of like what happened because like I kind of was like I don't know um I would say I was like fading in and out of uh like consciousness um due to due to my sugars being so high. Like um I just remember them like taking blood and uh and maybe once or twice through the night like coming to check on me and like do another like blood draw. And um I was just like you know, just barely coherent, you know. And um they hooked me up to a couple bags of like saline solution and they you know in in efforts to like bring my sugars down. Um so I I know I was there uh on December 3rd, and um so basically I was there through the night. Um sometime around I think 5 30 in the morning, um I had one of the nurses come in and they said, you know, hey, we're gonna discharge you. And you know, they said to me, you know, your sugar's about I think it was 238. Um and I in my mind I was like, that's still kind of high. And like they didn't give me any insulin. Um it the the way they treated it. Um, I mean, maybe they were just trying to get me in and out because technically I was homeless. You know, I I was up front with them about that. Um, so they basically were like, hey, yeah, you know, your sugar's kind of stable. Um, we're gonna discharge you. So it was at that point um where I really, you know, I said to myself, like, I had enough, you know, I had enough of like this whole fucking whatever crazy insanity um way like this just way this insane way of life um that I was living. Uh I had enough, you know, and uh I was like, hey, can you like get me to a rehab? And they were like, no, sir, uh, you're gonna have to uh you know go take the bus. And I was like, oh my God, right? So there I was, like sitting on the edge of the hospital bed. And um I was like, man, I'm so like weak. Um I was like, what am I gonna do? You know, just thinking of myself, and I'm like, I gotta eat something. Um, you know, and like I gotta I gotta figure out my plan. Um, so so I kind of decided in in the back of my mind that morning, it was December 4th, I was like, I'm gonna get myself into a treatment program. You know, I'm gonna do whatever it is I I can do to get myself uh across the city and uh get into the Washburn House. Um I had gone to the Washburn house one time before uh in the summer of 2023. And that was more or less like a forced type of situation. Um, you know, my mom was like, yeah, we're gonna kick you out if you don't go. And like, so I went, you know, and like the irony is like, you know, a year and a half after that shit, she kicked us all out, anyways. But, you know, whatever. Um, I made that plan and uh I honestly I just kind of trooped it. Like I got my stuff together and I I walked um from St. Vincent Hospital across uh Whister all the way over to like Maine South McDonald's. Um my phone had stopped working, so like I couldn't even make calls. Um I was able to get over there to the McDonald's, um, and then I I jumped on their Wi-Fi. And uh while I was on the Wi-Fi, I reached out to a really close friend of mine. Um, you know, I've known him since like we were like 12 years old. Um his name's Dave. You know, we grew up on the same block together, and um I reached out to him and I was like, Yeah, what are you doing? And he was like, you know, just sitting around, whatever, hanging out at his at his house or, you know, the place he stays at. And uh I was like, Do you want to come, you know, and meet me? Um so he came up, uh you know, we basically just showed up, gave me like a half-dead vape, and was like, what's going on? And I told him, like, you know, I think I'm gonna check myself into Washburn House. And so like right then and there, like he pulled his phone out, uh, he called Washburn House and asked them if they had uh a bed available for detox. And um, you know, they did. So I was like, okay, you know, sure enough, um, I told him like like I want to go. And uh so we made a plan um as far as it was, you know, uh to do an uh an intake. And so they called back probably like maybe 10 to 15 minutes, maybe 20 minutes later. Um I did the intake over the phone. Um, and then we planned for me to be uh at the Washburn House for 6 p.m. uh that night. Um so after that, um, you know, Dave was like, I don't want them to turn you away. And like, you know, he was like, here's two dollars, let's go to the liquor store. And um, I ended up like, you know, uh, he's like, we're buying two nips, and he was like, You drink one of them right now, and he's like, You drink this next one as soon as you get there. And I was like, Okay, I was you know, say no more, whatever. Um, I was at Webster Square Plaza, uh, he jumped in an Uber, um, and then he, you know, he took off. He was like, listen, he was like, I love you, bro. He's like, I'd go for you if I could. And like I understand, like, you know, what he meant. Um, and he was like, Don't drink that nip right now. And like, it's funny because I was like, What do you mean? Like, what do you think? I was just gonna drink the nip, like, I don't know, probably. But besides the point, you know, I I held on to it. Um, I took the walk over to Washburn House. It was like, I want to say, you know, 555. I was over there at like the Burger King right there, right across the street from Washburn House. You know, I I drank the the last nip and uh I walked across the street, and you know, I walk in and I said to the kid, like, hey, you know, I'm here for an admission. Um and that was it. You know, that was like that was the beginning of uh, you know, my journey. And uh it took a lot of like courage and it took a lot of uh you know honesty for for me to like want to do that. And I just knew like something deep down inside me, um, it you know, it something just said like if I don't go do this now, you know, I run the risk of possibly, you know, dying, freezing to death, whatever, um, you know, dying of some sort of complication to, you know, due to my like neglect of my diabetes. Um, you know, so like I really felt like I had that gift of desperation, is is what they call it, you know. So it's pretty thanks for pretty uh hardcore, I I guess. You know, it's like um, you know, you can only pretend like nothing's wrong uh for so long before, you know, it obviously surfaces and and it it is, you know. I I can't live in denial. Um, you know what I mean? Like it didn't get me anywhere good. If if anything, it was only, you know, get me like on the fast track to self-destruction. And uh you know, it it wasn't easy to to come to grips with all that, you know.

SPEAKER_01 21:01

It it must have felt a bit like relief though, because you know, you back to basics, having a roof over your head, having a bed to lay your head down in, having a positive community around you, having like-minded people who aren't doing crazy things out in, you know, whatever they're doing. Um you know, enjoying a cup of coffee with a clear mind. Um and being so young, we're only forty, uh most people don't even start their journey until 45, 50, 55, you know. It's you finally have enough of living done in your life that you can actually reflect on mistakes and how to improve moving forward. Um, but that's just my opinion, you know, coming from a place of not being in a situation like that. So I've never experienced something like that. Um, but I can just imagine the pain that you have to realize when you wait. Up probably the next day that oh, I'm gonna be clean and sober and I'm gonna pursue pursue a different lifestyle. I'm sure it takes a long time to get back to uh homeostasis, right?

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Yeah. Um for me, I I it's weird because like I would say it took a couple days, you know. Um I would say the first two, three days in detox uh were pretty rough. Like I didn't really I didn't know like what I wanted, you know. I didn't know like, you know, because in the back of my mind, I was like, I can leave. You know what I mean? I was like, I could just get up and leave. And I was like, but I know that's not the right thing to do because again, like I I had this like innate fear, like if I did leave, you know, I'd go right back to to the to the drugs and the alcohol, um, and wind up fucking dead, you know. And and it's like it was right around Christmas time, you know what I mean? Like I checked myself in on the fourth. Um, and uh, you know, it it was hard at first because like I was like stuck in my head, but the more um time that went by, like I'd say like by the time I hit day four or five, and like I was actually, you know, I was taking my my medications as prescribed at this point. Like I seen a doctor, they they helped like reevaluate me as far as like my diabetes went. Um, they started having me taking my insulin and like the numbers were crazy for the first week or so. Um, but like what came back first was like my mental clarity. Like I started to like just have vivid memories of like everything. Like, like it's crazy. Like, I I don't want to say like I have this perfect fucking immaculate memory going on here, but like um I I can recall things all the way from you know childhood, you know, through high school and all this, like things that I used to know, like and and and like the truth of it all is like I did abuse my body um, you know, with the drugs and alcohol. And um it kind of amazes me that like the functionality is still there, you know, like because a lot of times you hear, you know, with such heavy drinkers or or people who use drugs, like the mind is one of the things that that really suffer. Um and and like I just, you know, I'm thankful. Uh I thank God every day that like you know, I made the choice when I did because maybe, maybe had I stayed out there any longer, you know, it could have been a lot worse. Um and like, yeah, getting into detox, like that gave me a lot of time to reflect. Um, and like what hurt me the most was just knowing that my actions, um, they weren't just hurting me, you know, they hurt the people that love and care about me the most. Um, you know, like my mom, for instance, and you know, my sisters and like what little family that I do have left, and and like not just them, but like, you know, my close friends and and like just people who genuinely cared about me. Um, I didn't really realize the damage that I was doing. Um, because in my mind, I was like, I'm only hurting myself, you know, and and again, like that's like it's a selfish way to think, man. And like, you know, um, it was it was tough because like I I only imagined like how many sleepless nights maybe my mom had, you know, wondering like if I was okay, you know, knowing I was out on the streets, uh, you know, knowing I was like doing whatever it was I was doing, like living, living a crazy, you know, out of control life, um, you know, no holes barred, um, you know, getting into trouble. You know, I I can only imagine like what that really felt like for her. And and like it hit me hard when I when I was like in detox, man. Like I cried, you know, I was like, I can't believe like I thought it was only hurting me, you know? And um I don't know, like it it's it's a hard pill to swallow, you know what I mean? Um but I I I mean, I can say, uh, you know, since I made the choice, um, my relationship uh with my loved ones, uh, with my mom, especially has has improved like tenfold, you know. Like I talked to her, I went from not talking to her at all, um, you know, to talking to her pretty much every day, you know, checking in, um, you know, and just keeping her updated with uh with my progress and uh you know being being the good son that I was always destined to be, you know.

SPEAKER_01 26:55

She's must be stoked.

SPEAKER_00 26:58

Honestly, like she is, man. Like she left me a comment a little earlier today and like, you know, not to like uh like I I don't want to like you know say like this crazy ego boost or whatever, but like, you know, she was just like she's she's proud of me, you know, she's proud of me for what I've done and what I've accomplished. Um, you know, I'm actually uh you know, I'm I'm gonna start a you know new job next week. And uh sorry.

SPEAKER_01 27:31

Software's acting funky, dude.

SPEAKER_00 27:33

Oh man, yeah, it happened. Uh can you hear me now? Yeah. Alright. Yeah so so what happened apparently I'm gonna try to shut off the I think it uploaded the original somehow because the other page said it was done. Um Okay, okay, wait, all right, well Yeah, my internet connected to a different internet and then I lost connection. That's that's kind of what happened. My apologies.

SPEAKER_01 28:05

Yeah, I mean we're we're back, so I'm at it's hey, it happens. It's like funky sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 28:11

Well, it's it's definitely like I was on my hotspot and somehow happy to be talking with you. Yeah, no, for real. Like, cool, you know, at least it like we're back. Like at first I was like, oh no. Um and like it happens. Yeah, this is the you know, we're living in a technological world, and uh, you know, technology is not uh in you know invincible, you know what I mean? Like there's gonna be snafuos and there's gonna be issues, much like you know, yeah, life, right? It happens. But um, I I mean, where we left off, I you know, my mom, yeah, no, man, she's proud of me. She's proud of all the things I've been doing, she's proud of my uh sobriety. Um, she's proud of me just being being the guy that it, you know, um I was meant to be. And uh, you know, that that that makes me feel good in and of itself. Um and like for the first time in a long time, you know, I'm proud of me. You know, I'm proud of the things I'm doing here. I'm proud of the the accomplishments, you know. I'm I'm proud of my progress. Um I never thought that like I'd be six months into you know living clean and sober. And uh, you know, I I quit smoking cigarettes in January. Like, granted, I still got the vape and whatever, but like little things, right? Like one step at a time. Um ideally I'd like to quit the vaping too sometime, but uh uh, you know, in the future, you know.

SPEAKER_01 29:44

Yeah. Do do they recommend like one thing at a time or um consensus on that?

SPEAKER_00 29:51

I would say that like it's a recommendation that you do do one thing at a time because like if you try to do everything at once, um a lot of times it's gonna be overwhelming, you know? And a lot of times people will relapse uh, you know, because of the overwhelming feelings and the and the stress. Um, so like as far as I'm concerned, I've been trying to uh progress with this thing um very strategically. Um and like I've been keeping myself uh immersed within like the AA community. Um, you know, that's part of the program I'm in. Um, you know, they have other I've heard of other types of like you know recovery programs like Dharma Recovery or like Smart Recovery. Um like so there's like there's options out there for people. Um, you know, it's not there's not just this one thing, um, you know, that just is for everybody. And I I feel like it's important, especially nowadays, you know, because like Alcoholics Anonymous, uh I think it was like originally started like like 90 years ago. Like it's close we're closing in on like a hundred years real soon, like within the next decade. And um, you know, a lot of the texts that that we're reading in in our in our groups and uh you know, the AA meetings, it's all original, you know, and like some of it may seem a bit outdated um as far as like wording and and vocabulary goes. But um, yeah, I I I would say like it's it's a sad statistic to, you know, they say I think it's like 12% of of people recover. And like that seems like a small number. Um and uh, you know, even just like knowing what I know um for what I've been through and like the the the you know through the Washburn house, um, I know there's a lot of people who didn't make it. And like when I came out here to the Gavin Foundation, to the Gavin House, um, there was a program they put us in called the Soap Program, which is like uh 13 days of like group discussion. Uh, you know, that's like to get you like acclimated to to to you know what we're doing here. Um the idea behind that is is um to give you you know a sense of structure, to give you a sense of stability. Um and and I actually this morning um I was uh I was privileged with the opportunity to return to that soap building that that I was in um in early February. And I got to speak in front of the class today, you know, a whole brand new group of of guys and girls who are who are now in the Gavin Foundation who just started here. And um, you know, I was able to share my experience, strength, and hope with them and you know, pass on some knowledge um about what what the Gavin Foundation, you know, has as far as like resources and and as far as their community outreach goes. Um this past May um I was just in a program. Um it was like a pilot program. Ironically, me and in pilot programs and pilot episodes, we go together apparently. Um, I got chosen, one of the 32 guys in this house. There was only two people chosen. I was one of them. Um, it was called Project Renew. Um, and it was focused on, you know, taking people uh in recovery uh or people that maybe just got out of jail um and giving them the opportunity to attend like a 20-day, four-week course um that was focused on uh job career training um in like re-entry uh to the workforce. And um it was it was a great opportunity, honestly. Um, you know, a lot of the stuff that was included in the coursework was you know, basic knowledge, uh you know, uh etiquette as far as like uh, you know, proper email um, you know, format or like, you know, um basically like I I would I would sum it up as like workplace etiquette, you know, the do's and don'ts, um, you know, always, you know, be on time, punctuality. Those are like big things we focused on. Um, you know, how to properly address your supervisor or or manager, um, you know, uh, you know, as far as like the program went, I thought it was an excellent opportunity for me to like refresh on a lot of the skills that I like I already had. Oh hold up. Wait, dang it. All right. Uh so I'm in a room where apparently the the light just goes off after like you're sitting still for so long. Um, I come down here and uh the this, yeah, right. Like they just thought I wasn't in here or something. Look, it's on a timer. Um, I actually I come down here because it's quiet, you know, it's my own little space. Um I actually I play guitar down here. I got myself a brand new guitar, by the way, last week, you know, my little six-month uh recovery uh gift to myself. Um so like I'm back playing guitar. Um I absolutely love that. Um I've got a lot of like big plans uh as far as like writing and uh recording music goes. And uh, you know, I'd like to share those with you too, man. Like um I've been doing a lot of writing. Let's just say that. You know, I I've kept a journal every single day. Um as far, you know, once I went into the uh to the detox, uh, all the way up through now, like today's like day uh 182. And um, you know, I I keep a daily log of like what I do, uh how I'm feeling, um, a lot of like my diabetes type stuff. That was like the main focus of it at first, you know, so that I could keep track of like what my sugars are, um, what I was eating, when I was eating, um, and just, you know, to really help myself, you know, to have like this visual representation of um, you know, uh what I'm working on. Uh and and like that's not to say like it was limited to that, because like I started to incorporate like writing poetry and lyrics and um song ideas and like other types of artistic venture ideas. Like I I you know, it's like an all-in-one. Um, I don't necessarily have um specific days where I work on specific things. I I kind of just do it as like the inspiration bugs bites, you know what I mean? Like I I always have my daily outline, I always have like my structure and the the the you know the blood sugar check and and this and that, but like scattered throughout the pages, I I'll also have like a poem idea or like uh you know a piece of like lyrics or like some sort of concept that um you know comes to mind. And um you know, I feel like part of my recovery is getting back a lot of the things I've lost maybe along the way.

SPEAKER_02 37:27

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_00 37:29

Maybe if I just move slightly, that was the weirdest thing, because that does not happen like that. Like that literally was like 30 seconds and it shut off. So that was kind of weird. Um but no, I see what you're saying. Like we live in a in a world where like people's attention span is like 15 seconds like on average. Um and like it's hard to capture somebody's attention and and hold it. Um so like I don't know, I I wanna say that I've been like trying to even just it's funny you say that because like when I first started to write, I felt that way because you gotta figure, like, I had not been writing with a pen for like I don't know, like months and months, maybe if not years. Uh you know what I mean? Like when when I'm working at the palladium, there's nothing for me to write down. I'm not writing things. Um when I when I worked at uh maybe Blue Hills Recovery, it was more or less like we're typing on a computer, we're typing up like daily um reports. Um there was no real handwritten, you know, like you said, like since high school or like maybe since college rather, you know. Um, and that's that's the one thing that like I enjoy is like handwriting stuff. Like I still write cursive. I still like, you know what I mean? Like I feel like a lot of my journaling um is an extension of my art because like we we have these hard copy um like lyric sheets or like poems that I'm putting into the book. And I feel like you know, that of in and of itself is is like part of the art, you know. Um and and like it's cool to have like it's like a manifesto, or like, you know, you can see my my process almost as like you know what what I'm thinking up here or like what I'm feeling here, I'm taking that and I'm putting it to the page. Um, you know, and and not to like jump back into like the Alcoholics Anonymous thing, but like I've been working the steps uh with a sponsor since I've been out here. And um every Wednesday we usually work the steps, and like that's what I was doing right before you know coming on here with you. Um and my sponsor and I were talking, and uh the biggest thing that we're doing is writing stuff down, you know, and and that's the irony here. Like if there was a time where my hand was cramping up, like early detox, early CSS, it was a thing. And like I just pushed through it. Like, I I don't know if like that's just one of the things I do. It's like a character trait. Whatever I'm doing, if it hurts, it hurts. You push through the pain and you make it. Like, like I used to have a chronic back injury, and like it sucked, honestly, but what what else was there to do? You know, I literally pushed through the pain to get better. Um there's a good quote that just pops into my mind. Um, it's from one, it's like a Christian hardcore band I used to be into. Um, and it says, the pain is the price we pay to be stronger tomorrow than we are today. And, you know, like that that it resonates with me. You know what I mean? It's like we're gonna do or I'm gonna do what might be inconvenient right now to make tomorrow better, you know? And not not for nothing, but like I don't think any of this has been inconvenient. I feel like my whole journey here has been very specific and has been been very like intentional. Um and I I feel like that's what's allowed me to grow so much. Because if if you really think about it, like the last couple decades of my life, uh, I really feel like I stunted my growth. Um, you know, like I might have been busy, you know, I was helping doing this and that, taking care of the house with my grandmother and helping like care for her, taking care of my niece and my nephew. Um, but but what was suffering was my needs. My needs were suffering. You know, there wasn't anybody there to help take care of me or or or anything, right? Like, who's gonna take care of me at the end of the day? You know, the the answer is me. Um and like this whole experience has really like opened my eyes to that. Um, you know, I can't pretend like everything's fine and and and just keep going and going and going, um, you know, whether it's working or not, because ultimately it's gonna catch up to me. It's you know, you can't burn the candle at both ends. Um, you know, because eventually what happens? Like, you know, boom, it's done, right? Like you can only go on for so long doing the same thing before it all falls apart. Um, and that's like that's a perfect analogy to like how I was living, you know. Um and uh yeah, man, like it's crazy to to to know that you know, a year ago this time, things were so different, you know. And um I again, like I was saying, um, I'm proud of the work that I'm doing here. I'm proud of the things I've done. I'm proud of uh, you know, the new opportunities that I've been like given by by becoming part of this, you know, Gavin Foundation. Um, you know, and and there's no doubt in my mind that like this is where I'm supposed to be, like, you know. Technical difficulties. I I'm thinking I gotta switch back to Zoom, honestly. I mean, it's I feel like it's my fault because somehow my hotspot just stopped working, and now I had to jump into a different room so that I could get onto the Wi-Fi and have a stronger connection. Um, maybe I should have just done this to begin with. I mean, yeah, I'm now I'm in the weight room and I'm not lifting, but here I am, you know.

SPEAKER_01 43:45

Uh hey, we'll just send it. It's all learning. Uh yeah, you even look you your video feed is even clearer.

SPEAKER_00 43:53

Oh, okay. So then that makes sense then.

SPEAKER_01 43:55

I don't know, man. But so Riverside used to have this option called low data mode, right? And they just did an update and now I don't see low data mode.

SPEAKER_00 44:05

Oh boy, right.

SPEAKER_01 44:06

It's part of me is uh maybe I don't have the right setting on or something, but whatever.

SPEAKER_00 44:12

You know, we're doing it on the fly. You know, I can always like try to do some do another one sometime too. But um I mean, long story short, like, you know, uh I'm in a whole different like place right now, like mentally, physically, spiritually. Um and like yeah, I I really I feel like things uh really couldn't be really couldn't be much better than this. Like, did do they get better than this? I mean, I I guess like that's what the saying is, like things do get better, we do recover. Um and I'm just like I'm here to take it all the way, man. Like, you know, I I'm you know, it it's it's crazy to see and like what what type of uh you know changes have already um transpired al along the way to get to the you know the six month mark where I'm at right now. Um and that just gives me hope uh you know that bigger, better things are coming. And uh, you know, there's a whole world of opportunity out there for me. And uh, you know, uh now that I'm you know living this clean, sober lifestyle, um, it allows me to show up for myself every day. And you know, it allows me also to potentially show up for other people. And um, I feel like there's great power in that.

SPEAKER_01 45:28

When you are in a program, is it wrong to like ask you about you know what future plans are, or is it like one day at a time? Is that like the philosophy?

SPEAKER_00 45:39

Well, it's interesting you say that, like you hear a lot of time, um, like in in the you know, Alcoholics Anonymous, um, and and like you hear them say, you know, it is one day at a time because we're not guaranteed tomorrow, you know, and and the past is the past. There's nothing we can do about that. Um, you know, so we're just living in the 24 hours that we have. And uh I don't think it's wrong to ask, you know, what potential plans or you know, what types of dreams or aspirations, you know, I may have for the future. Um I feel like that's healthy, you know, because like, you know, since day one, um, while being in a program, you know, I've learned like it's about setting small attainable goals, you know, things that you can track, things that you can, you know, accomplish. Because a lot of times in life, you know, we set these, you know, such lofty, you know, out there, you know, uh, you know, things that that have like such a high expectation. Um it's it's often difficult or sometimes damn near impossible uh for us to attain these things because they're so grand. Um so you know, for me personally, it's it's really about you know setting the small goals, you know. At first for me, it was like a small goal was just you know writing in the journal every day, um, or just you know, keeping committed to to you know sobriety. Um you know, for me, like short-term goal um is obviously going to be graduating the program here. That's one of my goals. Um I believe it's I think we're we're in this house up to like six months. Um so now that I've hit the fourth four-month mark here in the house, um, I believe I'm eligible to graduate, but you know, it kind of depends um on you know what comes next. So it's very fitting that you ask that question. Um, they have this thing called the three-quarter house, um, which is the graduate house. And to put that into perspective, um, there's only eight beds available at the graduate house. You know, and here we are in in the regular house here at the halfway house, and there's 32 beds. Um, so that just shows you like it's only a quarter uh of is that it eight times four? No, no, no. I can't do math good. So, so um, you know, eight beds uh as far as the graduate house goes. And um, I mean it's in it's in my wheelhouse to uh potentially move on to the graduate house. Um you get like a little more freedom. Um, not as to say like, you know, you can necessarily come and go as you please, but there's less groups, um, there's less like requirements. I mean, we still would be adhering to like the program rules, um, you know, obviously maintaining a life of sobriety. Um, but we would also be then, I believe, you know, paying rent and uh potentially putting money into savings. Um, but that that's just to say, like, if there's a bed available, because like let's just say, you know, when the time comes and like let's say I I I graduate the program, if there is not a uh bed available um, you know, at at the three-quarter house, I'm gonna have to figure out some sort of alternative living situation. So so for me, maybe like a a short-term goal is is really um to look into uh potential uh living arrangements because like ultimately I'm gonna stay out here, like especially with me starting this new job on Monday. Um part of the program re-entry that we were in, um, phase two is a 16-week internship. And um let's just say I'm the only guy out of 10 guys that got this opportunity. Um, everybody else is either working with the Gavin Foundation or uh with the city. Um, so I'm like, I'm the I'm the only guy that's moving on to uh you know an actual like workplace um that's not associated with uh with with what they're doing. Um I mean they they have connections there, don't get me wrong. And like that's how I got in there. Um but uh it made me a little nervous. I'm not gonna, you know, I can't sugarcoat that. Like me, you know, it's like once I get into this place, I have um I have to like, you know, I've got the Gavin name attached to me. And uh, you know, like to me, there's a pressure to um to perform. Um, and there's a uh like there's a bit of pressure to to just to do well. Um, but there's no doubt in my mind that, you know, it's gonna be difficult. Uh because I I I'm getting thrown into something that maybe I don't have necessarily um any uh prior experience with, but I do feel like that my resume um did contain some elements that that definitely like make me suitable for um the position. Um I don't know if I can really like divulge the information. I don't I don't think there's anything against me doing that. Um, so I'm gonna be working with a company called Brewster Ambulance. Uh they've been uh one of like the lead ambulance transportation uh companies since like 1906 they were established. And uh I did some research on them and they do about 350,000 uh transports a year. Um and so that's a lot, you know what I mean? It's like that that means like from ambulance uh to hospital or from like facility to facility, um or like maybe there's like certain certain um the rides that they do that are like you know uh appointments and stuff like that. Um I'm not exactly sure of like you know the full detail, but um I did get the official offer letter today and I've been accepted and like I'm gonna start working there on uh doing orientation on Monday, Tuesday of next week. Um so as far as short-term goals go with that, it it's just for me, you know, show up, uh learn as much as I can, and uh just perform to the best of my ability and and like you know, maybe start making a serious impact in the lives of other people um through my work. So like it like, yeah, like I feel like it's a it's a perfect fit for me. And um, you know, I'm excited for it.

SPEAKER_01 52:34

Yeah, I think you're gonna crush it.

SPEAKER_00 52:36

Yeah, man, thank you. Because like I don't think there's another option, you know. It's like I'm out here to do the work, I'm out here to to to get well, I'm out here to just do better uh for me. Um, so then I can do better, you know, for everybody else too. Uh there's always been like this place um, you know, in my heart that that like I feel most fulfilled when I'm helping other people. Um so so like you know, I I feel like this is like an another level to that. Um and like I could potentially move on to uh to become an EMT, I think, uh, through this position. So that that might be something that um you know I pursue as well.

SPEAKER_01 53:16

Well, just have fun too. Pursue, you know, if it's not for you, find something that's for you.

SPEAKER_00 53:21

Just right, right. But but like I said, I got this whole like, you know, I I'm in this program thing that's like now I'm I'm in there for 16 weeks minimum. And the idea is after the 16 weeks, it's supposed to like transition into a full-time W-2 job. Um, so I'm just here to do the thing, man. Um, I didn't have any choice in it. It was kind of like, hey, Chris, this is the opportunity we're gonna throw your way. And I just said, you know, thank you so much, because you know, I'm gonna take what I can get. And uh anytime somebody gives me an opportunity to to do well um or to do something new, um I I give my all, you know, and uh I I feel like this is just a great, you know, second chance at uh everything, you know? Like had I not been so focused on getting well and and recovering and you know, getting over this whole addiction and alcoholism thing, um, I wouldn't be here talking about it, you know what I mean? And and like this this is just part of uh what comes next for me. And uh it it feels really good to be able to say that.

SPEAKER_01 54:32

Yeah, maybe we gotta get coffee or something someday.

SPEAKER_00 54:36

Yeah, man.

SPEAKER_01 54:37

Like um come out your way.

SPEAKER_00 54:39

Yeah, like and even so, sometimes I come out to Worcester to visit with my sister and stuff. Um, I come out on the weekends, like I can take a weekend pass, and like sometimes like you know, I could crash at a hotel on like a Friday or a Saturday night. Um, so like, yeah, sometime in the near future, uh, we can try to link up and you know, definitely grab coffee and like, you know.

SPEAKER_01 55:00

Let's write, let's get coffee and we'll sit and write.

SPEAKER_00 55:03

Yeah, no, that sounds great, man. Like, uh, and I'd I'd love to share some of the stuff like I've been writing uh with you. Um I went into the city last week actually, and uh I my friend who does like samples and uh like beat construction. Um him and I got together, I brought my guitar in the amp. Um, and we just kind of just you know, we jammed around for a little bit, you know, had a good old time. Um it just felt good to reconnect too with somebody who's a longtime friend and like you know has has like you know mutual interests. Um like you know, I've got my own background and like you know, heavier music, but like I like a little bit of everything. And um, I was really impressed with what he had to show me. And you know, so I'm like I'm always eager to like do like a collaboration or like work on something together with with anybody. So you know what I mean? Like, and I know you and I kind of have a bit of a history with some of that, like you know, when you first started trying to learn guitar and like you know, fucking 20 plus years ago when when I was living over on Esther Street, you know.

SPEAKER_01 56:03

But um Yeah, um is there a rule against like sharing? Like I know you had the boss uh personality. Is there a rule against like sharing, you know, if you wrote a little riff just uh on sharing it, or is it you want to just keep it for yourself for now?

SPEAKER_00 56:18

Oh no, no, like I'm absolutely down to share whatever. Like, I mean, like I said, I do have like a couple ideas for things, and like that doesn't like exclude anything though. Like like I'd be more than happy to share with with like just some of the riffs I work on, or like just some of the lyrics, or like, or even like you know, go as far as to you and I maybe we collaborate and work on a song together. I had an idea to um see I first started with an acoustic guitar out here, um, and so like that's all I had. And uh I've transitioned now to having like my own, you know, brand new fucking electric guitar. So so I have options. Um, I wanted to record maybe like a three or five track um EP uh of all acoustic type of material.

SPEAKER_01 57:03

Um that's what I want to hear.

SPEAKER_00 57:05

Okay, so that's cool. Like I do have some stuff that I could share with you as far as that goes. Um, I also was talking with the guys with Mike and AJ, um, and I would ultimately like to re-record or revisit some of the songs that we did together as a band, you know, as another soldier town. Um, I'd like to re-record like pretty much all of our material and like, you know, set a whole you know project for that. And then maybe, you know, a third project that's a little bit of something more new, um, as far as like, you know, sound goes, or like as far as just just like I, you know, I had an idea the other day actually. Um I want to do a full EP about like this recovery journey that I'm on, um, where like it's like a concept album, and um, you know, obviously it it'll tell the story, you know, it will tell my story. And uh so I haven't started working on that yet, but uh, I mean I've been drawing up some ideas and and like certain topics and like certain themes and stuff like that. And I think that would be a really cool project to work on, um, not only just for me, because like you know, that's part of my therapy. Music's always been a part of my therapy and like how I process what I go through. And um I just know that like if I make something like that, that's just like you know, so raw and honest, and and you know, a lot of people that are going through hard times or struggling with this addiction shit, like they're gonna be able to relate to it. And and I feel like that's like one of the things that draw me to it even more, you know, because I know what I do is gonna help somebody else, you know, get through what they're going through.

SPEAKER_01 58:47

Well, thanks for uh hanging with me for an hour or so. That was yeah, that was cool to hear what you're going through on your journey. Um, hopefully it resonates. I think it'll resonate with a lot of people, and I like your positivity about it all.

SPEAKER_00 59:02

Yeah, man. Like, thank you. Thank you for like, you know, checking back in with me and and like having me again. Um I think it's really cool to like you know take for you know our pilot episode that we did together and you know see like how big of a change that like really has happened since then to now. You know, like I I'm I'm I would say like I'm not the same person. Like I'm I'm physically I'm the same person, but like I've I've put in a lot of time and uh and a lot of growth um to get to where I'm at right now. And I feel like I'm in a power position, you know. It's like I know the boss is a character, but I said it earlier today, like I am the self, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 59:46

Like I oh god dang it. Dang it. Yeah, it is, but we should just we should end it.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:04

And um I try not to edit a lot, like, because pretty much automated by I'll be some editing because there was a bunch of like disconnections.